Dear me
Yes me I want to explain to me what I wish I had known when I started this journey 10 years ago I found a lump, positive me, said it will be a cyst, mammogram and ultrasound later no, it’s cancer , but they say it’s good as it’s been caught early so just lumpectomy and lymph node check and hormone therapy. Operation over me thinking I can cope taking a little pill for 5 years. All change as quickly as that, 3 lymph nodes were positive, so now 6 rounds of chemotherapy, 35 radiotherapy sessions, and 10 years of a little pill for hormone therapy What they don’t tell you, is now every little niggle you feel in your body you fear your cancer has spread to somewhere else. Every blood test, are the markers going to be in range, every mammogram (which are now so much more painful on the lumpectomy side) and ultrasound you fear they are going to show something. I feared that I would never see any grandchildren, or my children find partners and get married. Yes I live my life positively most of the time, but the fear that it’s going to come back never goes away. It constantly niggles in back of your mind, I never really tell anyone how I really feel, it’s the usual response I’m fine, as they don’t really understand anyway. As people, cancer muggles think that once chemo and radio are finished you will be back to your normal self. Now I’ve just stopped taking this little white pill after 10 years, I nearly stopped so many times because of the side effects, what really annoyed me was people said it’s only a pill, not knowing how much it affects your joints, your memory, your ability to have a good nights sleep, and not forgetting the forced chemical menopause, hot flushes that were debilitating, luckily for me I had one while the oncologist was giving me and examination, and then she had so much more sympathy because she could feel the heat, sea the redness of my skin, and see me physically dripping with sweat. Now my fear is I’ve stopped taking that little white pill, and I now feel my safety net has been taken away from, while I’m walking this tightrope of my new life that cancer has given me. When I am stressed I turn to the ladies in BRiC, they are so supportive, caring and understanding, I don’t feel alone, there is always someone who has had the same feeling. Like I said I do live positively, the 4 grandchildren I have at the moment keep me grounded, keep pushing me to live my life, they need their nanny, to give them time and love, and to build memories they can cherish forever. But just that niggling fear is just constantly there. I would just have like to have known this all before I started, it wouldn’t have stopped me having the treatment but would have stopped me feeling like I was going crazy, over reacting, and sometimes in a very dark and lonely place. Finding BRiC really helped me Marilyn.
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