Alison's story

 

Being diagnosed with incurable breast cancer at the age of 47 is without a doubt the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me. It came completely out of the blue, I wasn't overweight, I exercised regularly and ate well, and I had NO primary diagnosis. 

 

    It was just me and my daughter and she had just had her 16^th birthday. She naturally was my first thought....so many milestones looming for her and I couldn't believe that there was a chance that I wouldn't be here to help her through them. When I told her, her words were 'you won't be at my wedding'...

 

    I was beyond distraught. I'm ashamed to say that it's the only time in my life that I've come close to considering ending my life. The pain of the grief and the frustration that I could not get away from it was crippling for me. I'd scream in the shower.

 

    Life became very surreal as I embarked on my chemo 'journey'. I'd watch commuters passing my house and was envious that I wasn't one of them any more despite hating my regular journey to work through heavy traffic. I felt removed from the world as mine seemed to become smaller and smaller. I didn't want to go out and I didn't want people coming to see me. I just wanted to curl up in a corner and die.

 

    When my hair fell out my daughter simply couldn't look at me. Her attendance at school was suffering, she'd be up until the early hours of the morning and sleep late, missing the start of school. A teacher at the school took her under his wing, allowing her to be upset in a private space if it was needed. I'm eternally grateful to him. It wasn't until recently (6 years since my diagnosis) that my daughter told me that she couldn't bear going to bed at night because she dreaded waking up in the morning to the reality of what was happening with me.

 

    I'm 8 years on now and feel that my thoughts about my diagnosis have softened considerably. There will be days when I don't think about it at all. My life is good and I'm fortunate that I have no side effects from my treatment and that this treatment is still working for me 8 years on. Dreaming of a future again feels like it could be within reach but I'm still nervous planning anything more than a year in advance. I don't know how I'll feel when progression happens, I've had it good for so long and it's a thought that progression may never happen....but I must expect that it will. That's the nature of it afterall.

 

    In the meantime, my daughter and I are stronger, we appreciate the here and now and she's my main supporter through all of this. We've found our path together and it feels like it will be ok even if it isnt.