Imposter Syndrome: Are we ever good enough? BRiC's Collective Voice

 

Our Sunday discussion, a fascinating topic suggested by Bex, one of our ambassadors - Imposter Syndrome.

Naz opened the discussion with a brief explanation; telling us that when we doubt ourselves, feeling inadequate or incompetent, despite evidence to the contrary, that we may be experiencing Imposter Syndrome.
It has been shown that women experience this more than men and even though gender inequalities are gradually decreasing, seemingly strong and successful women often feel inadequate, as if their lives are based in fraud. Michelle Obama referred to imposter syndrome as her weakness.
These feelings can be intensified when we are faced with trauma, such as a breast cancer diagnosis.

Side effects from breast cancer treatment often leave us with problems which add to these feelings, memory loss, brain fog and concentration issues, fatigue and restricted mobility can all leave us feeling less able than our colleagues and friends. Long absences from the workplace may create fear about how we will cope when we return; we might feel we are failing as mothers because our illness prevents us from doing many things, or that we are letting our friends down when we can’t keep up with social engagements.

The trauma of breast cancer can bring back memories of previous difficult experiences, such as childhood events and toxic relationships; these memories can so easily lead us to a belief that everything is somehow our own fault, that we are not worthy of a better life or capable of success. Many of our members talked about doubting their abilities so much more after their diagnosis and treatment, despite holding down jobs, caring for families and leading busy lives. Our self-doubt is contrary to what we actually are, but it raises its ugly head on a regular basis. We worry about making fools of ourselves, about making changes, trying new things or forming new relationships.

We talked about how being compared unfavourably to others compounds these feelings. Many of us recounted incidents from childhood where we had been made to feel less worthy than a sibling or classmate, being told we were no good at something or would never amount to anything. Incidents we had long since forgotten, or locked tightly away in our minds, were brought back into life by our diagnosis and life with cancer. Our group has members with both primary and secondary diagnoses, for members with a secondary diagnosis there were the additional problems of on-going treatment restricting what they can do and of people treating them differently, as if their views were somehow less important because of their cancer. Other members said they almost felt like cancer imposters because they had been able to avoid chemotherapy or radiotherapy and as such felt like they were somehow less of a cancer patient.

There was an underlying belief that the way we are treated by others is somehow a reflection of ourselves, that we don’t deserve any better. “Nothing I ever did was good enough” was a phrase used often, and is a feeling that can stay with us throughout life, affecting everything we do. We talked of waiting to be found out, that our public persona was hiding our incompetence and any moment someone will see us for what we really are. Another common theme was difficulty accepting praise; equally many of us mentioned that criticism hits us hard, bringing to the fore those feelings of incompetence and inadequacy. When criticised we feel that we have been seen for what we really are, that our fraud has been uncovered and we can no longer feign competence.

Some of us have found ways to build our confidence, to give no credence to the opinions others hold of us, to be our own selves and be proud. It is often easier to believe the “bad stuff” about ourselves and we are all learning to also believe the good. We are strong, we are successful, we are perfectly imperfect, we are businesswomen, mothers, partners, teachers, managers, artists, dancers, singers and many, many more things. We make mistakes, but that’s OK, we can learn from them and grow even stronger. We are not inadequate or incompetent and we are supporting each other to build our resilience and fight that imposter.

#BRiCteam

#breastcancer

#impostersyndrome

Weekly Discussion Summary ~ Impact on professional identity and work

Will I still be employable after I've been diagnosed with breast cancer? Will my employer still see me as someone worth investing in? How will I be seen if my organisation needs to make cuts? How should I approach my employer if I need support?

In this week's discussion, our highly personal stories illustrated the impact of our diagnosis on our professional identities and roles at work. Our diverse experiences also highlighted the widely different ways that our employers view and support us after a diagnosis of primary or secondary breast cancer.

As we know, the psychological impact of a cancer diagnosis and its treatment is often underestimated - we too can underestimate the physical and emotional impact, numbing our feelings and coping by minimising the experience may serve us well until we try to resume the demands of our former lives. Suddenly, we realise we are exhausted. Yet, we feel we can't ask for help. After all, our treatment has finished and 'normal service has resumed' hasn't it?

This gap between expectation and reality creates huge pressures when we are feeling vulnerable and fearful.

A few of us maintain our continuity at work throughout, describing our careers as a refuge in the storm of cancer. Others shared how they had valiantly used up precious annual leave to recover from surgery, either from unsympathetic employers or small businesses. Others had taken an extended period of sick leave.

Erosion of self-confidence was a common response. Self-doubt creeps in to the mind of the most competent of us, and the realisation that we are not the same person we used to be adds to our anxiety. So many of us have little voices inside our heads telling us that we can’t be successful now. And yet, we do not want to be seen as less capable or less competent than our peers in workplaces which are increasingly competitive and under pressure as a result of economic and legislative demands.

A supportive line manager or supervisor can make a huge difference - someone willing to try to understand our experiences and who is willing to help us to balance our needs and our capabilities. Those of us who had received robust support, suitable adjustments and flexibility valued it enormously and felt our performance improved as a result.

Support from colleagues may also be key, and where it is lacking (some described colleagues taking a blasé attitude – 'she’s been off sick', 'she’s better now, let’s get on with it') - adds to our difficulties.

Our experiences highlighted that employers and sickness procedures often view us as idlers and shirkers. This can lead us to feel worthless and severely undermined.

Many of us take stock and consider our futures. We make tough decisions about work, including reducing hours or responsibility, changing roles or finding something completely different to do. Some of us give up work altogether, perhaps via medical retirement or redundancy. Others are determined to prove themselves as capable as they always were, and take on perhaps more than we should in order to continue to keep ahead of the game.

Despite clear legal requirements and guidelines for employers, our experiences indicate that they are not always being followed, and when challenged, the resulting stress caused can be just too much for us. Occupational health teams, designed to assist both employer and employee in coming to a suitable agreement regarding reasonable adjustments, can be helpful, or punitive. Some of us had chosen to fight for our rights, others walk away.

A common theme was managing unrealistic demands and some of us felt we had been set up to fail. We don’t always have knowledge of our rights or the energy to challenge discrimination and poor practice. We can end up being managed out of jobs by employers based on capability. We also feel uncomfortable or a nuisance for continued reduced capability or significant sick leave, and employers often show their displeasure by reducing or removing sick pay once they have delivered on their legal obligation.

Those who changed their roles, perhaps being given less work and regular cover described feeling guilty for doing less. Resentment from colleagues may follow. Others feel we have to take on more and more to ‘show them’, and we feel must hide our vulnerability.

Even those who have a satisfactory return may find that support rarely continues past the phased return period, even though the long term after effects of treatment may continue for years. We feel we must hide our issues from our managers and colleagues and battle on even when we feel unwell. We may not apply for promotions or seek career progression for fear of taking on too much.

A very few of us have found excellent bosses with whom we can be honest and admit our vulnerabilities. These bosses are rare, it seems!

For those of us with secondary breast cancer, treatment continues indefinitely. Continuing to work is an option many want, as it gives us normality and purpose, and some can and do. Some choose not to work. Others, who would like to continue working but their health doesn’t allow it, feel forced to stop.

We would like to see better educated and informed employers who are proactive in offering flexible, long-term support. We don't lose our skills or our enthusiasm and a breast cancer diagnosis need not be the end of a career; it can be the beginning of a new one, with increased skills and loyalty, perhaps including more balance and self-care, but no less rewarding for both employer and employee.

If you are a woman living in the UK with a breast cancer diagnosis and you would like to join our private group please send us a private message via https://www.facebook.com/resilienceinbreastcancer/

Weekly Discussion Summary ~ Back to Work 2

“Whether we work to live or live to work, our occupation often contributes hugely to our identity.”

This week we shared our experiences of managing work after a breast cancer diagnosis. For some, work continued during treatment, with short periods of time off for surgery and chemotherapy. Others described taking a year or more off work, or having several long absences following various treatments, recurrences or complications.

Whether we work to live or live to work, our occupation often contributes hugely to our identity. Many of us shared the importance of our career to us and those of us who could work described how much being able to work helped us - by creating a sense of normality and helping us not to feel that we were defined by our cancer diagnosis. Those of us with positive experiences shared that supportive managers, kind colleagues, realistic phased returns and reasonable adjustments had made a huge difference to our confidence and self-esteem. For others, returning to work had felt like a trauma in itself, with a significant lack of support and empathy being reported in the workplace. A very few of us described the devastating experience of feeling forced to leave our jobs.

The focus of our discussion was coping with returning to work. This felt like both a milestone on the road to recovery as well as a huge challenge which forced us to face the impact of our treatment on us. We love work and desperately want to be the same employee that we were before our diagnosis.

How, we asked ourselves, can an employer who sees a formerly strong, able female employee understand how we may be changed, physically and emotionally? We look good, we’ve been off (sick leave, we discovered can be perceived as a holiday by some colleagues!). We’re “back” and we look amazing. So let’s get on with it, right?

Wrong.

We might be in pain. We have trouble sleeping. Sometimes we are exhausted. We experience the after-effects from treatment such as reduced cognitive faculties, early menopause and we are still dealing with the psychological impact of a breast cancer diagnosis. Many of us have hot flushes and aching joints due to hormonal treatment or early menopause.

Do we complain?

No!

We smile and even though we appear to be coping in the workplace, we go home exhausted every evening, and still we hold it together for our partners or family.

What we need is supportive adjustments such as a smaller workload, staggered start-times, reduced hours, time off for hospital appointments and regular breaks. We need helpful colleagues not snide remarks about shirking. We hope, if you are a line manager or colleague of someone with a breast cancer diagnosis reading this, that you understand the legal and moral obligation on you to support us, and how much we have to offer given the right assistance. We've been to hell and back, and if we ask for time off for an appointment then this is key to our well-being. We know how precious time is, and we aren't going to waste it. We will give you our best, every minute of every day, as we want our time to count.

For those of us who have had to change careers, reduce our hours or give up work, it is a huge decision that isn't taken lightly. Following a breast cancer diagnosis, with the battering our bodies take and the psychological toll stripping us of our former energy and capability, we may become depressed and our self-confidence plummets. We are fragile and vulnerable. For some, the decision to find a less stressful job or to give up work (for those lucky enough to be in a financial position that allows this) is triggered by a change in priorities. Having faced serious illness, we find we no longer want to spend our days working flat out. For others, it's going back to work that helps us feel normal again, that gives us a sense of purpose and satisfaction, and fills our days with productive activity, helping us not to dwell on our thoughts about our cancer.

For women with secondary breast cancer and who need continuous treatment, the only option may be to stop work as sustaining productivity levels commensurate with their position may not be possible. For these women, priorities often centre around spending time with family and friends. While giving up work may be a relief, there is still loss – the loss of career and routines; it can also be very hard to give up who they were as professional and working women and there is, of course, often significant financial implications.

There is often a conflict for many of us returning to work, particularly those of us who are young, ambitious women and who are on a career path. How do we balance the desire to succeed, to climb the promotion ladder, with wanting to see more of our families, to spend more time doing things we enjoy, to take it easy?

There are, we discovered, no easy answers. We need to try and adapt and adjust, to cope with the feelings of being lost and bewildered, as if we don't quite belong. A phased return to work can be really helpful, with the intervention of occupational health professionals as appropriate. Macmillan also provide objective advice and guidance to women who need it.

If you are a woman living in the UK with a diagnosis of breast cancer and you would like to join our private group, please contact is by facebook message https://www.facebook.com/resilienceinbreastcancer/

#ResilienceDiscussion

Weekly Discussion Summary ~ Back to work

"I would like people to think about the stigma of cancer in a similar way to thinking about the stigma of disability."

This week our discussion explored our experiences of dealing with our employers.

Being understood in our workplace can be a defining factor in helping us re-build our self-esteem upon returning to work, or, conversely undermine our already fragile confidence and self-esteem.

Some of us were able to carry on working during our active treatment and described the difference that sensitive colleagues and supportive managers made to us. We learned that there is no 'right' time to return to work, or to start a new job. In some ways, our experiences reflected that re-entering into work when expectations of 'moving forward' loom high (at the end of active treatment) is when we are usually at our most vulnerable. However, others described discrimination, for instance on being diagnosed with a recurrence. Whatever our circumstances, communicating our vulnerability when we want to put on a strong image that we are competent and capable is not an easy task.

As a group of women with primary and secondary breast cancer, our experiences were very varied. We heard of supportive employers as well as shocking examples of discrimination and injustice, which not all of us felt we had the emotional or practical resources to challenge. Some had felt forced to give up careers they loved, others had taken early-retirement. Many of us wanted to continue in careers that we loved but were struggling.

Not everyone was aware of the protection afforded to us by Equalities legislation, or that this would continue for the rest of our working lives.

But are we disabled?

Some of us expressed feeling ambivalent about this - having recovered from breast cancer, we were surely not disabled? Many of us felt the need to show we were stronger, just as competent and skilled as we always were and feared being underestimated or overlooked. Some of us felt that we needed the adjustments that we could request under disability procedures and this supported us to manage the demands of our jobs, particularly alongside issues like lymphodema, fatigue, pain and other side-effects.

Those working in organisations with clear procedures seemed to fare better, but not always. We learned that it helps if managers can have a conversation with us about our cancer and can separate poor performance, from support to help us to perform well.

Here are some practical suggestions:
A realistic phased return which introduces us back into the workplace.
Part-time working.
Staggered start and finish times.
Reduced workload/caseload.
The ability to rest in the day.
Support to plan and prioritise work. 
Equipment, for instance if we have lymphodema.

We need employers to understand that the impact of cancer on us changes, a flexible approach and supportive attitudes workplace.

Macmillan and Breast Cancer Care provide information on working alongside breast cancer.

Imposter Syndrome ~ Andria

Mr Darcy told Bridget Jones that he ‘liked her just the way she was’.  I have often wished that I could like me just the way I was and that wish started way before the cancer diagnosis.

It was only recently after reading an article (in The BRiC Centre's group) about expectations of women dictated by society as well as the individual women and how the continuing striving to be the perfect wife, mother, professional etc. is starting to take its toll on physical and mental health.

In this article it mentioned ‘Imposter Syndrome’, the pressure that we place on ourselves to be perfect and the worry that we will be found out to be flawed in some way. I was able to relate to this feeling in almost all areas of my life. As a mum, not being good enough, not being pretty or witty enough and certainly not being fun enough. As a wife I experienced a similar theme with the first husband (not the amazing second one!), not good enough, pretty enough or sexy enough and all confirmed when he left me for a younger, prettier, sexier lady.

As a social worker this theme has also continued. I feel that I am not good enough, that I will be found out as being a fraud, an imposter. I know from my supervisions, appraisals and feedback from colleagues and service users that I am good at my job, so why don’t I believe it? I guess I would need to look further back to see where these feelings come from but for now I am able to recognise that this is something I do and am able to quietly challenge myself and my thoughts and feelings.

So I was shocked reading that article that I also relate this feeling of being an imposter to my cancer diagnosis! It’s taken me some days reflecting on this, to try to work out why I feel like this and I think it’s because I didn’t have to have Chemotherapy or radiotherapy - thank goodness!!

People have helped to reinforce that feeling of being a fraud, an imposter. ‘You got off lightly’, ‘It’s three years are you still thinking about it?’ and ‘At least you didn’t need chemo’, are some of the platitudes I have experienced. I am lucky, I know that. I did get off lightly because I didn’t need chemo but I have lost both my breasts. I have had a chemical induced and then surgically induced menopause and I am on hormone tablets for another 7 years with all the fun side effects that come with that. I still live with the fear that the cancer may come back.

And after the diagnosis, I haven’t run any marathons, or baked a huge number of cakes to raise money, the imposter inside of me is berating me telling me that I couldn’t even do the fundraising bit properly. My calmer more rational side is telling me that I have got on with doing what I do best…being a mum, a wife and a social worker.

I realised whilst writing this that this feeling of being an imposter is one of the reasons I don’t go to any physical support groups and rely heavily on the online support of the the BRiC Centre's group. I think I feel ashamed that I had cancer and didn’t need to go through some of the horrendous treatments that my online friends have had to experience. Just reading that sentence is astounding and so sad.

So I can continue to challenge myself and I can change the way I view things.  I can start to be proud of who I am, the good mum, the good wife and a competent professional.

I am Andria. I am a good mum, I am a good wife and I am a good social worker. I have had breast cancer.

I need to stop apologising for the areas that I think I am lacking in and embrace me just the way I am.

Weekly Discussion Summary ~ Coping at Work

Summary of our weekly group discussion ~ 19^th January 2017

COPING AT WORK FOLLOWING A BREAST CANCER DIAGNOSIS

Does a breast cancer diagnosis undermine us at work? Does it adversely impact our horizons or make us consider alternative career routes?

These were some of the questions we asked ourselves during this week's discussion - 'coping at work following a cancer diagnosis.'

Our lives are never the same once we have been diagnosed with breast cancer, but, if we haven't continued working during treatment, once we have finished our chemotherapy/radiotherapy/surgery, we slowly begin to face our lives as they once were, even though we are fundamentally changed.

One of the most difficult challenges that faces us is returning to work, and finding our new identity at work when we are, in all likelihood, still dealing with the challenge of ongoing side effects. Even when we want to return to work, our energy levels can be low, our confidence can be shattered. Even the most supportive colleagues can have unrealistic expectations that we are cured, or conversely, that we are not up to it anymore.

Many of us described having to try harder because life is now more difficult for us. Some of us wondered whether the 'new me' was capable of sustaining the same level of performance as we used to due to fatigue, chemo-brain and so forth. Some of us described managing stress differently - in some instances more effectively - some of us had reduced our hours (perhaps impacting on income and a loss of identity), or had made the decision to give up previous roles because our priorities or needs had changed so greatly, either relinquishing responsibilities, choosing not to work, or changing direction, perhaps by retraining or setting up businesses.

As a group, our jobs encompassed a vast spectrum of roles, including public and the private sector. A very few of our members described highly supportive managers and colleagues. For these individuals, it was clear that an actively supportive and understanding line-manager played a crucial role, alongside adjustments to their working day such as staggered start times or working from home. However, many more of us experienced difficulties and stress as a direct result of inadequate support, inflexibility and unrealistic expectations. A few of us had been left devastated by shocking discrimination, despite the existence of legislation intended to safeguard and protect us.

At best, we thought that it was difficult for employers and colleagues to understand what we’ve been through and to support us to reach our fullest potential. For some of us, support from occupational health had led to adjustments in our work and roles or we had used the Equalities legislation to obtain reasonable adjustments. Not everyone saw themselves as disabled, and saw this as an unwelcome and unwanted label, whereas others, particularly, but not solely those who had experienced significant losses in physical functioning, described having accessed practical support, without which they would not have been able to remain in employment.

Many of us described having careers which are a huge part of our lives and we continue to impact and engage in the work place. For those of us who want to remain in employment, what we have learned from our experience can make us more skilled, more insightful and our contribution even greater. We can make a huge difference - with support.

#ResilienceDiscussion