Corrine's story

 

Fear, the feeling that never leaves

 

First came the shock of diagnosis and anger as I tried to work out why me and how did this happen. Not being able to pinpoint a cause has been the root of much anxiety and probably where the fear first came from. 

 

Soon after diagnosis, my treatment began, I was scared about the impact of chemotherapy on my body which until now I had entirely trusted to look after me. As I signed all the consent forms, fear began to run wild inside my head, what if this doesn't work? what if you get these side effects? I don't want this, but if I don't I'll die. Oh my god I feel stuck, I just want to run away and hide. 

 

Then the chemotherapy began and went on for a long 22 weeks. I didn't feel as bad as I expected, although I hated all the drugs I was taking to combat the poisons travelling around my body. I soon noticed that the tumour was shrinking, positive news and a hint that perhaps things would be okay after all. 

 

At Christmas we were in level 4 lockdown so couldn't see anyone and strangely this was a good Christmas. I got a break from the chemo and the two of us had some quiet time together. My daughter called to tell us she was pregnant. How exciting, a grandchild to look forward to, ah, but would I be here to see him grow up? The fear gremlin started to shout again. 

 

By the summer of 2021, my chemo was over, operation completed and radiotherapy also done. I could get on with the rest of my life, phew. BUT fear had other ideas, this is when it took hold like a huge black could hanging over me and glued onto my shoulders. Everywhere I turned there was fear in my mind, will it come back, has it really gone? It was weighing me down and keeping me stuck. 

 

Gradually, as my physical body healed I started to come to terms with what happened, and the fear eased off a bit. It was still there like a huge black cloud but it had lifted up a bit and sometimes sat behind me out of sight. Out of sight until a check up, or something in the news about breast cancer, or breast cancer awareness month. This is here every Autumn to remind me of the date I was diagnosed. 

 

 As time goes on the cloud of fear is lighter however it is still there trailing around behind me, an unseen presence that pops up uninvited at all sorts of times and interrupts my day. Any time when I look forward too far into the future, up comes the fear seeking to hold me back and stuck.

 

Corrine Thomas - diagnosed October 2020 - triple negative BC