Claire's story

 

So, I’m not really sure how this is going to go.  FEAR is a big word, and there are so many fears – writing this could go well or could cause lots of tears.  Let’s try …

    My name’s Claire and I am now 61.   My journey with Breast Cancer began in 2010 when I was 47 and I found a lump.  Mum had been diagnosed the year before, so I sort of knew what to expect, but that didn’t stop the fear.  Once we knew for sure, the next fearful moment was telling my children and also my parents who had already been on this journey only recently.  Mum was really pragmatic, “you’ll be fine” she said.  Fast forward through the fear of surgery, then the terrifying fear of that first chemo session and onwards through the unknown radiotherapy.  A year later, I’m done, or so I thought.  Little did I know how my life would be changed.  There followed 9 years of Tamoxifen and the yearly worry of mammogram results.

    

    In 2019 I had a cold and lost my voice. This didn’t resolve and led to several GP visits, different medications, an x-ray and finally a trip to see an ENT specialist.  All through this, I don’t think I really considered it could be the return of Breast Cancer.  No-one had mentioned symptoms like this – I had thought it would come back in my boobs, or show as pain in my hips or back – that was all that had been suggested as a cause for concern.  Anyway, the specialist discovered my vocal chord wasn’t working properly.   “We need to do a CT scan in case” she said. “In case what?” said I.  It was then that I started to think Cancer and the fear was real.

    I certainly wasn’t prepared for it.  Thankfully my husband came with me when we were told.  This is it, never known fear like it.  Fear of death was REAL.   Fear of treatment, fear of telling family IT was back.

    I’m 5 years on and doing well, living with cancer.  However, the fear is real and is always there.  Sometimes I can push through, sometimes I get very teary, sometimes grumpy.  The scans every 4 months make me feel sick.  A real physical, gut wrenching sick.  As time moves on, I guess I should feel more secure, and at times I do, but waiting for the scan results brings such a mix of emotions and fear is a huge one. “What if” is probably the biggest. Everything seems to revolve around the results of that one scan. The fear is real.