For me its not necessarily the fear of recurrence, as that has happened once already, but it’s the fear that if I have a recurrence again I won’t be able to cope with it.
I keep telling myself that everyone has to die at some point - but I don’t think its the dying that worries me - its the living with cancer that terrifies me.
All the appointments, the lack of control over my life, the constant reminders of cancer on the TV and radio, the worry in my partner's eyes, the looking away in the eyes of my friends, the awkwardness of my new body shape, the ugliness of my mastectomy, the shame of being a survivor, the constant worry of every ache and pain, the cough that won’t go away, the aching hands and feet because of the Anastrozole, the niggly headaches, the self-pity, the sleepless nights, the visits to the hospital, the constant need to do stuff now in case I can’t do it later, the restlessness as I don’t want to waste a minute, the stupid box of boobs in my wardrobe, the fixed smile on my face when I don’t feel like smiling inside, the favourite dresses I had to get rid of, the constant checking ……..the list is endless.
Above all these things is the question… What did I do wrong that my own body turned against me?
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