Eva's story

 

Just writing this makes me shake, it feels like picking at a scab that is not quite ready to be picked, it feels raw and something I just wanna leave well alone under the half falling off plaster. But maybe, just maybe it will help someone else so here goes.

I was diagnosed just past my 39th Birthday in 2013, I had two young daughters who were, and still are my heartbeat and soul, they will always be my 1st priority in all of this, the fear starts there, with them, the fear of not seeing them grow, the fear of not being there for them for their life events, the fear of what sort of heartache I would give them at every little life event that was supposed to be ‘the happiest day of their life‘ if they didn’t have mumma bear in the corner roaring.  It really hurts.

It even effects my ability to plan - I think every decision is tempting faint in some way, it is not logical but it is there on my shoulder annoying me like a wasp by my beer I was enjoying, it just won’t go away. I just keep swatting it and take a gulp.

We have a saying in BC sisterhood called scanxiety, and we all feel it every time we feel a twinge a tweak or a lump, we poke the hell out of it for two weeks hoping it will ‘go away‘ (I am being very polite there with my ‘wording’) I have had quite a few of these moments and always get told to keep still in the scan - my reply is always the same, “I thought I was“, I am physically trembling with sheer fear.

Loosing my close BC buddies whose C returned as a secondary is also extremely sad and a cruel reminder, I watched their ‘friends‘ drop off, I watched their bodies slowly be destroyed and I listened as their brains processed the overwhelming powerlessness that they felt. I miss you all so much. I write this for you my dear friends.

So how do I deal with never being told ‘all clear’ I can only speak for me, I try and connect my other senses, I smell, touch and feel things more to make my brain pathways run somewhere else, it does work but like riding a bike, it takes practice and sometimes I fall off spectacularly.

Kindness, love and gratefulness (here comes the hippy stuff, I promise I don’t have it as a decal on my kitchen wall) kindness to myself and my endless self jabber, love, all you need is love, love of life experiences, love of little moments that make me happy, love of my friends, family and animals (just call me Snow White, but I don’t clean after any man let alone 7 of them) Gratefulness, I have got this far, it is so precious to me.

Try and do all of it I say, just jump at decisions that feel right in your gut and heart, not in a hedonistic way but in a way that gives you peace, tell the people you love, you love them with all your heart especially those who have been through a life threatening disease, let go of the ones who don’t love you how you want to be loved, you don’t need them, go into nature and feel the power of Mother Earth, experience new things, embrace all the happy moments and keep them close to your heart and mind, grab this beautiful life by the both hands and do a one, two, three, wheeeeeeeeee because it is so, so precious.