Vickie's story (BRiC BCAM 2024)

 

Name: Vickie Age: 45

What’s happened so far: Primary diagnosis in May 2020, treated with lumpectomy, sentinel lymph node biopsy and radiotherapy.

    Followed by a local recurrence in November 2023, treated with single mastectomy, more lymph nodes taken, Zoladex and Exemestane.

    Since my initial diagnosis, 4 years ago, fear has been an unwelcome but almost constant companion. Much like tuning in a radio, sometimes it crackles away in the background as white noise, but other times it is sharp and dialled up. It is distressing and impossible to ignore.

    When I was first diagnosed, I felt comforted by statistics. My cancer was low grade, had not reached my lymph nodes and when I couldn’t tolerate the side effects of Tamoxifen, it was considered “safe” for me to go without. Being pre-menopausal there weren’t any alternatives that didn’t throw me into immediate menopause and I was told that would be a drastic move for my grade and stage of cancer. All of it was a traumatic shock, and, as I clung on to my lifestyle and commitments, my fear was based on “what if it comes back”. In retrospect I think that fear was masked by hope - from the statistics and reassurance I had received.

    Having then been given my diagnosis of a local recurrence, the percentages that had provided hope no longer held me in a safety net. This has made me realise that even a small chance is still a chance and I have just become part of the statistic that everyone dreads. Again, I’m considered “lucky”. Still no sign of metastatic progression - my lymph nodes are even clear. Only this time my life has been truly derailed.

    Of course I am terrified of progression and dying, I mean, who isn’t? However, I’m also stuck in a surreal limbo, which makes me afraid that, although I may ultimately survive (for which there should be gratitude), I could be left failing miserably at every turn. Alongside a realisation and acceptance that I’m not trying to return to normal, as normal doesn’t exist any more. Will I lose my job? How will I pay the bills? Will I ever feel any better? I am not the same person I was before this nightmare started, so how do I rebuild myself when nothing makes sense anymore? 

    I don’t know who I am, or what I’m aiming for. My cognition and physical abilities are limited. Fatigue rules. I am no longer capable of providing for and protecting my family. This is the exact situation I feared in my imagination 4 years ago, and now it is a reality. The thing that makes me sad is that I am putting in more effort than ever, at work, at home, in my relationships, but achieving far, far less and I don’t know how long I can keep that up before I completely burn out.