Jackie's story

 

Hi – My name is Jackie, and I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer 7 years ago.

    Fear of recurrence is a reoccurring theme. I feel almost justified in my fears as it promotes vigilance and bodily awareness, but in excess, causes me stress and propels me into overthinking.

    My sister died with breast cancer, and this informs and exacerbates my fear. My fear is also grounded in my diagnosis which saw lymph node involvement, aggressive cell type and vascular involvement.

    I am afraid of the pain of recurrence, and how invasive treatments may potentially have adverse effects on the quality of life.

    My partner is my ‘go to’ support and manages to hold my fears, I can openly discuss choices with him, should progression occur, which is a blessing, as I rarely discuss recurrence with others, because I don’t want to alarm or distress friends and family.

    There are moments when I overcome my fear, especially when I feel well or rested and this gives me temporary respite and perspective, but then there may triggers, and I become trapped in anxiety.

    I recently came across a Japanese term called Shinrin – Yoku. Shinrin means forest and Yoku means bath. I love forest bathing – breathing in clean, fragrant air, sensing the stillness and sounds of nature. This sensory experience helps alleviate fear of recurrence and other anxieties too. It is not always available to me; in which case I try to find a moment of peace in my mind – however fleeting. 

    I have adjusted to and accepted fear of recurrence as part of my life now, with all its ups and downs, and enjoy being part of the BRiC community, which is a haven of reassurance and understanding.