Our Partners and Families

 

“The impact on my family and parents when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 34 was enormous.”

 

Breast cancer affects our children, partners, parents, siblings and wider family relationships.  We were not surprised that our discussions raised many mixed and diverse experiences when it came to how our cancer had affected our family, our friends, and our children. One thing was certain though: that the huge emotional toll is there for them, too.

 

    Husbands/partners were thought of being excellent with the practical side of things. Some of us talked about how good they were with the housekeeping, hospital appointments and shifting work to be present with us during treatment and so on. Equally though, this dissipated with time, such that as time moved on, they had had enough and believed that we should be cured, that they were ‘tired of doing everything’, and that we were lazy. Others not so much, they continued to worry about us, they continued to be our rock. It was agreed that the emotional stuff was harder for them to deal with, and their reluctance to talk and open up, made it harder for them to cope. We heard about depression and suicide attempts, we also heard about partners leaving and shutting us out.

 

     The period at the end of treatment is a crucial point for women with a primary diagnosis as partners expect and want things to return to 'normal', to be as they were before the diagnosis. This return to how things were isn't going to happen and it can cause rifts in even the strongest of relationships.

    Our partners play an important role in helping and supporting us with breast cancer. More than this, irrespective of whether partners ARE or AREN'T supportive, they also need support and psychological care, in their own right. Not only would this help partners to address their own needs, but would also help us, because we could be more open about our feelings, and this in turn fosters healthier relationships.

 

    Those partners who did have support did a better job at supporting us with breast cancer, and this lowered psychological distress as well as depression for both parties. It was a challenge to consider how our cancer experience has affected our partners' emotional wellbeing, because our own needs can feel so overwhelming, however, the research concludes that partners deal better with the breast cancer diagnosis if they receive some kind of psychological assistance, even if it's just a friend or family member to talk to.

 

    It can be very hard to talk about our cancer to our parents, especially if they are elderly. In fact, we’ve avoided it if they are in poor health themselves or suffer from their own vulnerability. For some of us, our mums saw us through treatment, for others our parents abandoned us, either finding it too hard to deal with, and not wanting to discuss it. Because of this belittling effect, some found it easier to distance themselves from their parents. For many, our immediate family did not want to hear that our cancer is ‘ongoing’. Sisters and brothers are important, but again we spoke about how some had abandoned us and/or were not interested in supporting us. The opposite was true as well, with many reporting that their siblings were there for us through thick and thin.

 

    Whether we have primary breast cancer, a recurrence, or secondary breast cancer was important - some individuals and families had coped well during one bout of cancer, but then struggled further on. Other factors included - whether we were single parents, had caring responsibilities ourselves, for very young children and elderly parents, and some of us felt a strong sense of responsibility to protect them from the burden of our illness.

 

    We acknowledged that for those of us with secondary breast cancer, it can be harder to communicate as pressures can run high for our immediate family. Some of us talked about how reading through our blogs can help them understand how we can be supported.

 

    A universal concern in the group was the potential impact of breast cancer on our children, particularly young children, those with vulnerabilities and at transition points. We heard about the different ways younger and older children expressed their feelings - some, but not all asked questions, or talked about their fears, sometimes behaviour was challenging; some struggled with school or academic work; some support and care for us.

 

    Our relationships are far-reaching and we wanted to include our friends in this discussion.  We were genuinely grateful for friends who travelled long distances to visit and support us, pleasantly surprising us with kind gestures. Our members were grateful for having found BRiC: their BRiC family is who they go to. Moving forward courses and other support groups are valuable too.

 

    We concluded that just as much as we need emotional support, our partners, our children and our immediate family need educating and emotional support so that they can care for themselves and us, cope better as well as know how to support us better. They can be better prepared for us and our needs and consequently they can feel stronger in supporting us, and not abandoning us. Hopefully research will emphasise this important point so that we can provide better support for our families.