In this week's discussion, we
shared our experiences of talking about our breast cancer diagnoses with our
children which highlighted a universal, instinctive and over-riding wish to
shield our children from the fears and uncertainties that a cancer diagnosis
inevitability brings into their lives.
How do we help our children cope?
How do we find the words to explain a complex and frightening disease? How do
we choose words so not to mislead? How do we give our children confidence at a
time when we ourselves are likely to be dealing with overwhelming fears and the
physical demands of treatment?
These are some of the questions
our members, with children between infancy and adulthood, are grappling with.
We touched on the demands of parenting while living with a life-changing
illness, and our joy in being with, and caring for our children. Some of us had
experienced multiple diagnoses or are living with secondary breast cancer,
which meant that our children were exposed to further, or ongoing uncertainty.
Our views on what to tell
children varied depending on the stage we ourselves were at, the age, needs and
personality of our child, and our own views as a parent. Some of us favoured
openness whereas others were more reticent about sharing worrying information.
We also realised that just like us, children take their experience of cancer
forward with them, and it's a subject they may come back to again as their
understanding of the disease changes, or memories and new questions are
triggered by media stories.
From a psychological perspective,
Naz encouraged us to consider that the more our children can talk about their
fears, the more resilient they become as we can support them to prepare
themselves for their future.
We heard that talking, writing
and confiding in a trusted adult are all tools which can give our children the
strength they need to deal with the uncertainty they face. If we can talk about
issues, in a simple and honest way, while believing in our own resilience, then
we can strengthen our relationship with our children, whilst opening up avenues
to make the situation easier for them.
We learned that there is no
golden standard, or rules, to say what works and what doesn't – it’s all about
managing, confronting, and accepting. While it certainly is not easy, we all
wanted to help our children to express and manage their fears - whatever their
age.
It was incredibly painful for us
to accept the potential vulnerability that our cancer imposes on our children.
However, we learned that our children are more resilient than we think they
are, and although some of us described our diagnoses as having a profound
impact on our children, we also heard how, with time, and support, it was
possible for them to come through these dark times and thrive.
Attached is an article which
paints a beautiful and moving picture of how a mother explains her depression
to her toddler, offering a parallel to the complexities of talking about breast
cancer; '5 top tips' from Macmillan, and a link for rethink, a service which
aims to raise awareness of cancer in schools:
#ResilienceDiscussion
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