Our Sunday topic this week was perfectionism: the already strong
pressure to be perfect and how it may be intensified following a diagnosis of
breast cancer. As always, our lovely ladies identified common themes but also
confirmed that everyone's experience is unique.
As women living in today's busy world, the media tells us that
we should strive to be perfect mothers, sisters, partners, daughters, friends,
even perfect patients. All around us are airbrushed images of beautiful women
juggling careers and children, smiling through every kind of adversity. Often
after cancer we look much like any other woman on the street, well and glowing.
We hide our vulnerability behind our positivity, we don't want to upset anyone
by mentioning our big secret. Even those who have secondary breast cancer and
face a lifetime of treatment and monitoring report striving to maintain the
brave faced smile. Fear and vulnerability take a back seat so that we can
appear strong for our families. Thank goodness for groups like ours where we
can share our feelings and thoughts!
Having breast cancer may force us to make difficult decisions
that scupper our long held dreams: for those who have children, we may feel we
can't be good mothers, as we may have to hand over their care to others while
we are unwell for example; for some, cancer puts paid to having more children;
others may not get to have children at all. Careers get put on hold; some ladies
choose to stop work, others just aren't well enough anymore so they have to
stop. We feel we fall short, that the life we thought we were going to have is
ruined. Physically and mentally it's tiring having cancer, fearing cancer, and
many ladies can't do as much as before their illness (but it's unlikely that
you would know that: they hide it well.)
There are lots of things we feel we ought to be doing. One is
running a marathon, or at least a 5k race for life, as soon as we finish our
last radiotherapy session. Some achieved this and did well, others succeeded
but exhausted themselves, and some didn't have the energy to get out of bed,
much less bake for the biggest coffee morning in the world. However we feel
though, we do get up, do our best, smile and get on with being positive, almost
every day. And if occasionally we succumb to feeling tired and low, and we take
to our sofas or our beds, we feel guilty and weak. Not good enough.
Having breast cancer can teach some valuable lessons too. Many
ladies report becoming softer, calmer, more relaxed, more approachable. Many
ladies have learned to say No, and to seek out what makes them happy and not
live to please others anymore. Many care less about what other people think of
them. With messy reconstructions, one boob, lumpy bumpy lopsidedness, many
learn to dress for comfort not glamour. Our new normal may surprise or upset
our friends and family as we relinquish roles we thought were carved in stone,
realising we have more choices than we thought we had. Our inner strength, the
resilience we build, starts to shine.
Many report that they have been able to let go of high standards
and high expectations in favour of enjoying life. We commonly discard
housework! We take pleasure in the simple everyday things like walking in the
autumn sunshine, enjoying a coffee with a friend, or reading a book. Perhaps
for some, particularly those ladies who are older, breast cancer brings an
opportunity to take stock, to decide what's important, and to live life our
way.
However our breast cancer affects us, none deny that we are
changed. Some feel guilty that they got off lightly with treatment or surgery;
some feel they've let themselves and others down; some feel like failures, as
if it's somehow their fault. Not only can they not achieve perfection, they
feel less than good enough. And that's a subject for another discussion.
#ResilienceDiscussion
