Jan's story

 

I didn't really feel afraid when I was told I had breast cancer. I was so focused on the next steps I didn't have time to be afraid.

 

The fear crept in as the weeks and months of treatment passed. As I began to feel I was beating this thing I also began to fear that it might come back. A gentle, quiet, whisper of a fear at first. The whisper grew into a shout by the time my active treatment was over. 

When my medical team waved me off with a box of tablets and I was cast afloat on my own, the fear was suddenly screaming in my ears. Every ache and pain brought a shiver to my spine “was it a sign of recurrence or spread?” Every headache was mets in my brain; every aching bone, every cough, every stomach ache, every itchy spot… It was exhausting constantly living in a state of fear and anxiety.

Gradually, with time and the help of my BRiC family, I learned to live with the fear, to let it babble away in the background without it constantly interrupting my life.

 

Now, 12 years later I seem to go through long periods where I don't really think too much about breast cancer recurrence or metastasis. That's not to say I've forgotten about it, but I've noticed over the past year or two that it is starting to take a back seat. Having said that, I do have days when it rears its ugly head and the fear becomes overwhelming. 

 

My particular type of breast cancer is known for reappearing 10 or 20 years later, so now I'm in that “danger period” but I try not to let the fear intrude. I am conscious of my body, I watch out for signs and take care of myself, but I also enjoy my life.

 

I know fear is an important emotion, it protects us from doing risky things, it tells us to run away and stay safe. But I can't run away from my own body, so this fear isn't good for me, I try to keep it to a whisper as much as I can. 

After all, after going through the trauma of treatment what would be the point of living a life crippled by fear?