Who Am I Now? A Poem

 

A beautiful poem by our former deputy head Anita Traynor.

"I stop, cry, look at the sky...'
Who am I now, after breast cancer?
I am thankful to be here
I am focused on what I want to achieve
I am lucky despite everything
I am stronger than I realised
I take nothing for granted
I find new challenges
I am determined to enjoy my leisure time
I am angry, fatigued, resentful
I am fuzzy, foggy
I am larger, damaged
I am my treatment and it is all consuming and I cannot see past it
I am lost
I live in fear
I am also fearless in some respects and feel as fragile as a newborn baby in others
I lose my breath
I am vulnerable and I have to disguise my vulnerability
I am a reduced version of myself
I am a master of hiding my true self
I am not sure what I am or what I'm for, the roles I held are filled
I try and do nice things for myself
I have increased self worth
I have permission to put myself first
I appreciate nature
I enjoy simple things
I am humble, compassionate
I am making precious memories with my family
I am no longer afraid to say what I feel
I have an enhanced understanding of pain, suffering and fear
I seek order and control
I like to say I am resilient
I listen to my body
I accept my limits
I know it's ok to cry
I am the same at the core in terms of beliefs and values
I don't push myself to do things I don't want to do
I have come to some sort of acceptance
I don't worry about tomorrow, it isn't worth my energy
I just try to live in the moment
I live, I laugh, I stand sure
I stop, cry, look at the sky, feel my breath. Is that me?
I am still working out who I am
I am under construction, a work in progress
I am me, the only one I've got."