Relationships and Intimacy

 

It can feel like breast cancer robs us of our womanhood, profoundly changing our intimate relationships - some deepen, some become fragile, some break.  In this discussion we shared how our breast cancer diagnosis had impacted on partner relationships and intimacy.

 

    Our private network has members with both primary and secondary breast cancer and for those with a secondary diagnosis the effects of ongoing treatment can mean their sense of femininity is hit even harder. For many of our members their first experience of this is hair loss, through chemotherapy. Sudden and complete hair-loss affects the way we view ourselves and how we perceive that others see us. Add to that, the probability that surgery will leave us disfigured in varying degrees, then it is not surprising that we feel less feminine, less attractive and less confident.  For all our members the general tiredness adds to the struggle. Lots of us want to feel “normal” more than to feel feminine; something made difficult by the side effects of the drugs. Weight gain, premature menopause, loss of libido and loss of confidence affect almost all of us to some extent.

 

    For those in a relationship, having a supportive partner can be a real confidence boost, although some members confessed to a feeling of disbelief when their partner tells them they are beautiful. Those who are single often worry about how potential partners might see them in their new, less feminine state. Whichever way, we shared an experience of loss and adjustment, not only during our active treatment, but many years afterwards. Loving ourselves may be difficult at the best of times, but when we’ve been through the trauma of a serious life-threatening disease such as cancer, we must, in our different ways, mourn the loss of the woman we used to be and the woman we thought we might become. Holding ourselves in self-love and believing we are worthy of the love of another may be helped by being kind to ourselves, giving ourselves treats however big or small, from a new lipstick to a spa day or makeover and photo-shoot.

    Communication, self-compassion and self-help can assist us in maintaining our relationships in the longer term. Our diagnosis impacts on our partners too. We need to somehow find a way to adapt individually and together in the face of the changes that breast cancer imposes on us. We heard that lubricants and medications for vaginal dryness and pain are available, via GP, over the counter or online, and can make a huge difference.

 

    In some cases, support that was evident in the beginning waned over time resulting in partners becoming depressed and in one case experiencing a breakdown. Our discussion highlighted the need for professional support to be available for our partners so that were aren't left carrying the burden of their emotional needs along with our already challenged emotional mechanisms.

 

    The importance of our partners being able to talk openly and freely with us about their feelings around our breast cancer is clear, but it seems there are so many that are unable to share how they are feeling emotionally; sometimes for fear of upsetting us, whilst in other examples it’s clear that they don’t want to talk about or discuss the topic.  

 

    We heard that some women had met new partners following breakups just before, during, or after treatment. These women bring hope to those of us seeking new relationships, telling us that the right partner won’t mind how our body looks - but is little comfort to those of us struggling to accept our new bodies and are daunted at the prospect of being on our own forever.

 

    Our ability to cope is enhanced or otherwise, by the level of practical and emotional support shown to us by our partners. This is a recurring theme that highlights, especially if our partners are male, that expressing emotions can be challenging.

 

    We acknowledge as a group that our voices need to be heard, alongside a level of empathy and understanding from our partners about the fears of recurrence and late or on-going effects of breast cancer treatment. Many of our partners seem able to cling to their fears by not expressing how they feel. Support in the form of counselling or other talking therapies has in several members’ experiences been hugely helpful. NHS provision of that kind of support, as a standard package of care, and as a readily available option for partners from the beginning of our breast cancer diagnosis might be helpful in supporting emotional recovery following our breast cancer diagnosis, enhancing our resilience and coping mechanisms.

 

    Just as we are each unique in our experience of breast cancer, so our partners will have different ways of coping. We may influence this, depending on how much we choose to involve them in the nitty gritty of our treatment. Our experience may also depend on how strong the relationship is at the time of diagnosis, how openly we are able to communicate and on personality and coping styles of both of us.

    Whatever our experience of intimate relationships, it is clear that the support and sharing of our experiences and feelings was hugely valuable, even for those who found it too painful to participate. We learned practical ideas to help and found out that none of us are alone in our struggle.