'A smile and a positive attitude may be helpful to
healing, but not when it's forced and not when it masks our genuine distress.'
'Be positive!' It’s a phrase we often hear when we've been
diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes, it's something we tell ourselves, sometimes
it's the advice of well meaning friends. But what does it mean to stay positive
in times of despair? How can we be ok with the times when we don't feel
positive? These were some of the dilemmas we struggled with in this week's
discussion.
Naz explained that when we block out unpleasantness we are at
risk of damaging our well-being, whilst if we let it all in and dwell on
negativity, we can feel we are becoming dragged down into depression. A balance
is what we seek, and cognitive awareness and practices can help.
Apart from the primitive survival-seeking reactive brain, we do
have some choice in how we deal with our emotions and our resilience gives us
flexibility and helps us to achieve our happiness goals. Embracing sadness
rather than pushing it away is key, and allowing ourselves to experience a full
range of emotions is healthier than putting on a brave face and pretending
we're fine when we are not. A smile and a positive attitude may be helpful to
healing, but not when it's forced and not when it masks our genuine distress.
Our members, who have both secondary and primary breast cancer
diagnoses, shared activities that help them feel better when distressed. Many
and varied responses were given - long walks and baths, family, friends,
hobbies, exercise, nature, pets, meditation, breathing exercises. But what
emerged from this conversation was a deeper discussion about being authentic,
acknowledging feelings and wanting to be real and honest about feeling less
than chipper all the time. We aren't self-indulgent about our negative feelings
and not one of us wrote about wallowing in self-pity. Some women look for a
semblance of control (as having cancer takes this away from us) while others relax
into whatever they are feeling and let it go. Some of us keep busy, others seek
out peace and quiet.
A positive attitude is often expected of us by others, and of
course there are times when we have to temporarily hide away our real feelings
and get on with whatever we need to do. What we really struggle with is when it
is implied that being positive will cure our cancer. It will not! This is
especially true for women with secondary breast cancer, otherwise known as
metastatic cancer, for whom treatment continues as a lifelong burden and for
whom stability becomes the goal rather than cure. It is very hurtful and
undermining to imply that we may have encouraged our illness to spread by not
being positive enough.
Being outwardly positive can be a protective mechanism for our
fear and vulnerability, but allowing the fear and sadness in also allows us to
appreciate the positive in life.
We all cope in different ways according to our personalities,
our preferences, our circumstances. What we must admire in all of the women who
contributed is that they are working on discovering their negativity triggers
and how best to deal with them. Even when bombarded with bad news and
significant troubles, they go on. Support from others who understand is key.
If you are a woman living in the
UK with a diagnosis of breast cancer and you would like to join our private
group, please contact is by facebook message https://www.facebook.com/resilienceinbreastcancer/
#ResilienceDiscussion
Image credit: Buddha Doodles
whose images are certain to lift the spirits!
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