Getting fed up by
my mood swings. Why don't I talk about it anymore they ask, because I'm really
fed up with the topic of cancer I say. It feels like everyone has cancer or has
had cancer or knows someone who has. Friends dying and friends relatives too. I
really try not to be negative about it and I don't want to be a bore, but it's
very hard trying to stay positive. So I'm up and down like a yo-yo!
There are survivors out there who really do walk on sunshine for the rest of their days, run marathons and savour each day. I really do try to walk on sunshine most days. But there are days I feel that I have somehow failed for not being all inspirational.
I don’t know if I have cancer cells hiding, waiting to mass again. But I'm a healthy vegetarian and I manage short walks to keep active, within my current pain levels. All I know is that I am holding steady in a state called "No Evidence of Disease".
I have been told that everything looks great on all my blood work, and my tumour marker is low. But I immediately began to punish myself for everything I’ve done wrong as a survivor, including not eating a clean, sugar-free diet, not doing triathlons, and not being super positive at all times. Even though I know all of that is no guarantee that my cancer won’t come back.
I've had a few scans and “No evidence of disease,” my Oncologist said! I live a pretty great life, and should be on top of the world!
Death stalks us all, that’s the nature. Maybe survivors are just a bit more aware of it. I cope with short walks. I cope with making fun out of my Franken-tits! I cope by actively redirecting my thoughts, or so I think, or am I just in plain denial. If I don’t cope and just feel sorry for myself, I just go under and hit the depths of depression and anxiety I'm trying to avoid.
There are survivors out there who really do walk on sunshine for the rest of their days, run marathons and savour each day. I really do try to walk on sunshine most days. But there are days I feel that I have somehow failed for not being all inspirational.
I don’t know if I have cancer cells hiding, waiting to mass again. But I'm a healthy vegetarian and I manage short walks to keep active, within my current pain levels. All I know is that I am holding steady in a state called "No Evidence of Disease".
I have been told that everything looks great on all my blood work, and my tumour marker is low. But I immediately began to punish myself for everything I’ve done wrong as a survivor, including not eating a clean, sugar-free diet, not doing triathlons, and not being super positive at all times. Even though I know all of that is no guarantee that my cancer won’t come back.
I've had a few scans and “No evidence of disease,” my Oncologist said! I live a pretty great life, and should be on top of the world!
Death stalks us all, that’s the nature. Maybe survivors are just a bit more aware of it. I cope with short walks. I cope with making fun out of my Franken-tits! I cope by actively redirecting my thoughts, or so I think, or am I just in plain denial. If I don’t cope and just feel sorry for myself, I just go under and hit the depths of depression and anxiety I'm trying to avoid.
Still, it’s good to complain about being a survivor. I can complain and I will complain! And then, having done so, I will shrug and say, but seriously, it could be worse.
Positive thinking got me through Cancer and I aim to make it get me through life.
Originally posted on Amanda’s
own blog on 20th June 2016:
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