Special Feature Edition: Pathways to Resilience: Embracing our Vulnerability, Celebrating our Resilience
From
breast cancer to chronic pain and immobilisation: They did not stop me on the
road to resilience
Breast cancer is a complex disease and its treatment can leave you with
numerous disabilities like chronic fatigue, chemo-brain, bone pain, and radical
menopausal symptoms including infertility to name a few. When treatment ends,
the general expectation to be back to ‘normal’ is heavy going because while the
cancer is toast, so are we, in an ocean of uncertainty and lack of resources we
need to build blocks of resilience to stand up and keep going. Not only is it
about what cancer does to the body and the mind, but what it can also rob us
off, our dreams, our hopes and aspires for an adventurous, full life.
Georgina, an aspirational member of our group, talks about how she turned the
vulnerability that she continues to face into her strength.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer on 4 August 2011. I was absolutely
devastated, words cannot describe how I felt, even now. I had surgery,
radiotherapy and chemotherapy. In the midst of all this, there were a number of
family tragedies and losses, including my closest support. I coped somehow,
almost on auto-pilot, during active treatment. However, not long after it
ended, I fell apart, I felt completely broken, and grief-stricken. My face in
the mirror and my whole life were unrecognisable to me from one year
earlier.
Since that day in 2011, breast cancer had taken, directly or indirectly,
virtually everything I had and loved. I wondered how I would go on (I had
already suffered from severe depression since my teens, but had not had an
episode for 8 years until the breast cancer.) I felt so alone, even if people
were in the room. There was just no-one who could understand and there never
would be again. Over and over, I even wished I had not made it through the
first anaesthetic. Breast cancer is so complicated in many ways. It is not just
one single event, but rather an ongoing, evolving issue throughout your
life.
Amidst the misery and loneliness, I threw myself into things I could still do,
spending time by water (this always has a calming effect on me), holidays in my
favourite village in North Yorkshire, days out, tending to my beautiful garden,
walking my golden retrievers, albeit shorter walks than before. And all this,
still within the scope of recurrent depressive episodes. I found relief in
these activities, but the emotional rollercoaster continued, albeit a little
more below the surface.
But five years later, contrary to expectations, I am still here, and, dare I
say, relatively content.
After the cancer diagnosis, I suffered other cancer-related and non-cancer
related conditions and diseases, with their various treatments all taking their
toll. Early 2016, things took a bad turn as I started to suffer from severe
pain in various parts of my body, feared to be bone metastasis, but since
apparently proven otherwise. I had never experienced such pain in my life, not
even during any of my cancer treatments. After 6 months of utter despair, tears
and greatly reduced mobility, a pain relief solution was found and is ongoing.
The loss of mobility was totally demoralising, I could no longer do the few
things that BC had not already stripped me of, namely gardening, walking the
dogs, and other outdoor activities. But, I believe, the human psyche is
infinitely resilient and has an inherent way of harnessing adjustment and
change. I thus turned to photographing my garden in great detail, sitting
watching nature (lots where we live out in the sticks) and photographing my
beloved dogs. I had about 20 glossy photo books made of my work, so
satisfying.
Very significantly, earlier this year, I joined some support groups, including
this one. These have most definitely changed my life and brought new purpose
and direction. I scarcely have family or friends. But in the Resilience group I
“chat” (online) to people who understand me and I understand them. When I first
saw other ladies’ posts, I kept thinking “that’s exactly what I think”, “that’s
exactly what I’m always saying”. It was almost as if I had written all the
posts myself, things I had been thinking, feeling for years, but not having
anyone who understood. Finally, a group where we all understand each other.
This peer support has undoubtedly helped me through a hard year and is making
me stronger and more resilient to life’s trials with each passing day. I
believe joining this group has been a real turning point and hope that one day
all BC patients will have such a resource from diagnosis onwards, helping them
to build on their strengths, learn from each other and have a better quality of
life, however long that life may be.
And to top it all, yesterday, I went out to a meal (first time out alone in
years, due to BC, anxiety and general loss of confidence) and it was with these
very members of Resilience, and I ENJOYED it. Yes, enjoyed! Yesterday was the
start of a new period. Whatever happens, I know I will never feel alone again,
despite the fact that BC is such an isolating disease. I will continue to grow
in strength, develop more coping mechanisms and, as the group’s name suggests,
ultimately become increasingly resilient; that is until nature, and nature
alone, determines the end of my survival period.
#panningforgold
#pathways2resilience
#bcresiliencecentre
#breastcancerawareness
