Wednesday 3 August 2016

Are We Ever Really 'Cancer Free'? ~ Amanda

Getting fed up by my mood swings. Why don't I talk about it anymore they ask, because I'm really fed up with the topic of cancer I say. It feels like everyone has cancer or has had cancer or knows someone who has. Friends dying and friends relatives too. I really try not to be negative about it and I don't want to be a bore, but it's very hard trying to stay positive. So I'm up and down like a yo-yo!

There are survivors out there who really do walk on sunshine for the rest of their days, run marathons and savour each day. I really do try to walk on sunshine most days. But there are days I feel that I have somehow failed for not being all inspirational.

I don’t know if I have cancer cells hiding, waiting to mass again. But I'm a healthy vegetarian and I manage short walks to keep active, within my current pain levels.  All I know is that I am holding steady in a state called "No Evidence of Disease".

I have been told that everything looks great on all my blood work, and my tumour marker is low. But I immediately began to punish myself for everything I’ve done wrong as a survivor, including not eating a clean, sugar-free diet, not doing triathlons, and not being super positive at all times. Even though I know all of that is no guarantee that my cancer won’t come back.

I've had a few scans and “No evidence of disease,” my Oncologist said!  I live a pretty great life, and should be on top of the world!

Death stalks us all, that’s the nature. Maybe survivors are just a bit more aware of it. I cope with short walks. I cope with making fun out of my Franken-tits!  I cope by actively redirecting my thoughts, or so I think, or am I just in plain denial. If I don’t cope and just feel sorry for myself, I just go under and hit the depths of depression and anxiety I'm trying to avoid.

Still, it’s good to complain about being a survivor. I can complain and I will complain! And then, having done so, I will shrug and say, but seriously, it could be worse.

Positive thinking got me through Cancer and I aim to make it get me through life.

Originally posted on Amanda’s own blog on 20th June 2016:

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